Two weeks since! Gotcha Day!

Has it really been five days since I wrote last. Yes, it has as my sister and mother-in-law reminded me.

My apologies, been busty, I caught a cold, a mess at home in Iowa.

So we've had some interesting times. Most good, some not so good, one bad.

The bad. (I always start with the bad)

Duke and Chance, our dogs, stopped getting along while we have been gone. Apparently, only our strong presence was keeping the peace. I'm not going to go into details, but our housesitter has been replaced (thanks Sean for taking up the burden) and Duke will be rehomed before we come home if at all possible. We cannot bring these kids home to a house with big dogs that won't get along. It's possible our return would fix that, but we aren't going to take that chance. Chance stays Duke goes, end of story.

So other goings on. We went ice skating a couple of times. Correction, Wendy and the kids went ice skating. These crooked legs and feet do not ice skate. They loved it. Well, the older three did. Jack tried to skate but couldn't really, Wendy had to hold him up all the time. Aleks didn't know how and Wendy can only help one little kid at a time. Dite isn't too steady and fell often. Nauris loves hockey and is pretty good on skates though he could still work on turning and stopping. Jaenelle is the best, surprisingly. I took Jack and Aleks and played at the park. The skating rink is outside in the park, so it was easy to split them up. At the end of it the older kids were wet (from sliding and falling) and a bit cold. A good time.



Had another orphan court meeting today. 2.5 hours, one way to Nereta. The chairman had their new passports and their vaccination passports as well. She was too busy to make it back to Riga. I half think that she just wanted to see and talk to me again. I brought some of the schoolwork we have been doing. Letters in English. Math. For Nauris. division and multiplication and for Dite, Addition and subtraction with carrying and borrowing. The chairman approved. They were impressed we found (Wendy found) a "My first 1000 words in English" book that taught English to Latvian and Russian speakers.

In the meeting we talked about how things were going. I said it was going well but we have had some bumps. Nothing I would worry about too much, except one thing. We noticed that sometimes Dite is sad. We've even seen some tears. A couple of times it was when her brothers weren't very nice to her (I'll detail one incident later on) another was when we were playing a game for school (guess the English word for things we pointed at) she didn't do as well as her brother and was upset.

She typically slinks off to her room for a cry. We might otherwise let her be, but we need to know what is going on. The chairman gave us some more insight into what happened. No details, here or at any other time. Suffice to say it was bad enough to be awful, not as bad as what your imagination could come up
with. You want to know, ask my daughter when she is old enough and if she is willing to tell you. Hopefully, she won't remember it much by then.

The Chairman and attorney pointed out that in some ways, these two older children didn't have a childhood and that their mother really didn't love or care for them from day one. Certainly not after their father died. Their foster mother in Bauska was the first real mother they had. Nauris was six or seven by then, Dite a year younger. Though they had been in an orphanage for the two prior years, that's not a family with loving parents. That long without parents is a terrible thing. Bothers me just to think about it. People hurting children seems to push a button with me (I suppose it does with most people) People hurting my children, well that umm, let's not go there.

So Dite will require some extra care and attention. No problem. We've got that in spades. Wendy has had some challenges to get the older two to warm up to her. They are attentive and obedient, but not very affectionate. I would guess that is to be expected. The first mother they knew wasn't exactly an all-star, (or even a D league scrub) so we see a little hesitance with their interaction with her. It will come. As the language barrier comes down and they realize mom does fun things like bake cookies and pies, plays baseball better than dad and can take them for a jog (which apparently Nauris likes) they will be able to connect better with her. Aleks is a different challenge. He is so starved for attention, in an orphage to start his life and then in a foster home with six other kids? Yeah, individual attention was in short supply. He acts out, sometimes just for the attention, even if that attention is negative. He also is obedient but only momentarily, see if we will enforce what we say. Its like he thinks if he just tries it again (jumping on furniture, bothering his siblings, chewing with his mouth open, not washing his hands after he uses the bathroom etc) like we will forget or let it slide. BOY IS HE IN FOR A RUDE AWAKENING!!! I am the king of consistency (thanks Mom and Dad) I will stop whatever I am doing just to make sure children comply. (I'm kinda nutty like that) Wendy has quickly learned and frankly one of the few things we ever fight on is when she won't enforce what she has said or knows are the expectations in our household. Aleks needs this and will continue to need it. Word of warning to any grandparents, aunts, uncles or friends that want to watch him in the future. You HAVE to set the boundaries and you HAVE to enforce it like his and your life depended on it. Otherwise, he is going to run over you.

Nauris continues to impress with his ingenuity. He built car without any plans from his erector set. It even ran on it's wheels and had a light on top. He has started to push the envelope in his own way. He has a burgeoning rivalry with Jaenelle. They clearly enjoy each other's company, but he can be a bit of a shit sometimes. He doesn't always stop when told to lay off. I've watched him do it. It's not so much to test Jaenelle, but to test me. He's looking at me when he pokes her in the ribs or calls her an ostrich for the 20th time in 5 minutes. He's checking to see if he can get away with it. Newsflash, he can't. He seems to be able to tell when he is about to actually get in trouble and then he stops and doesn't go back. He's been mildly defiant a time or two as well. We argued over the rules in checkers (who knew the international rules and American rules were so different) and once with math he said he didn't know how to do. I looked up the rules and admitted I was wrong and let it slide that he didn't know how to do the math and didn't want to try at that time. He was being genuine,  I am not going to bawl him out over standing up for himself when he is right. When he speaks more English, I'll address the manner and tone, it wasn't all that snotty anyway. A scale of 1-10 it was a 3. I'll get alot worse when he is a teenager.

I showed Nauris how to do long division. He didn't understand until I showed him it was just multiplication, backwards  (more or less) Two digit by one digit was easy to grasp (56/8=7) Bigger was the challenge (112/8=14) He understood it, but when I gave him bigger numbers, he wanted to guess at it, not sit down and do the long math of factoring, subtracting and dropping the next number down. Once I showed him he had to in order to get the correct answer, it clicked. He needs practice on his mental math. Both he and Dite use their fingers to do anything past single digit subtraction and addition. Nauris can do a bit more from the top of his head, but not much. Flashcards here we come. Needing a calculator to do math is not an option.

Been working on carrying and borrowing with Dite. She just wants to use a calculator. Not gonna happen. Reasonably complex math in your head is a requirement or you don't graduate from Bryant prep school in Des Moines.(A very exclusive place of learning, only five students will ever attend) If you can't do what we require of you, well college will be a very expensive cost in your future. :-) I'm not worried. These kids are all pretty sharp. They just didn't have the best environment to start. Lilita and Janis got them started on the path and used to performing well and to expectations. We will take it from here.

Wendy has been working with the my youngest son as I work with the older kids and Jack. She's done a great job. He's working on letters in English, his name. Numbers, colors. Stuff that mostly the older kids have down. It's really allowed her to bond with Aleks. He has begun to mind better in the last couple of days, though he really requires one eye on him at all times. More like a three year old than a five year old in that sense. It will come. We alskeready see the growth in him.

We did have one serious sit down talk with Dite and Nauris. A couple of days ago we realized Dite had retreated to her room and I went to see what was the matter. I found her quietly crying sitting on her bed. We thought Aleks might have hit her for some reason. I asked what was wrong, she didn't want to say. I pressed her gently for an answer. She said Nauris hit her. Yes, for some reason he became annoyed with his sister and hit her. She said she wasn't hurt and it didn't matter. Oh was she wrong. She needed our support and to understand what our rules and approach are and know we will protect her. All systems go! Daddy thrusters to 100%

I knew this time would come, at point we would have to tell the kids we knew what had happened to them.While this was much earlier than I intended, this was the perfect teachable moment. We couldn't pass this up, and we couldn't  have Dite have any concerns that any sort of violence would be tolerated. We HAVE to do this to begin rebuilding her self-esteem and ensuring she is strong enough to face the world when she is an adult.  I called Wendy into the bedroom and explained what happened. We called Nauris in.

We asked him if it was true that he hit his sister. He made an excuse immediately. I cut him off. I wasn't even going to try and translate it. I knew an excuse when I heard it, by tone alone. I said in no uncertain terms, it was never OK to hit your bother or sister, ever. Then the tears flowed out of both of the kids. Great, I had made all my new children cry in less than two weeks!(It's a requirement for fatherhood I think) Nauris knew he was wrong and he was sensitive to our serious disapproval.

I then told them we knew something of what their mother had done. They both stared at us. More tears. (no wailing, just tears, what do you expect, loud crying probably only made it worse) They looked sheepish and a bit afraid. We told them we were not like her. That's why it was never OK it hit your siblings. I pointed out to Nauris, especially your sister. He looked knowingly at me. He knew better than I did what she was the primary focus of. He clearly felt bad. We showed them the paperwork that said they would never ever have to go back to her. They would never have to worry about that again. We didn't go into the details that they weren't legally our children yet and won't be permanently our children for months. It was enough to know what they did. We asked them if they wanted to say anything. They didn't. We asked if they were upset with us, they weren't. We sat quietly. I got them some kleenex. After a couple of minutes,  we asked them if they wanted lunch. They were non-committal. I asked if they wanted insects. There were smiles. Playful Dad was back and so were happy kids and mom.

While this was the first time, we assume it won't be the last. Dite cried in her room today and wouldn't say what it was, even when I asked. Nauris didn't know what was wrong. She insisted she was happy. I was gone all afternoon for the meeting. Wendy struggled a bit with all five but it worked out. I was mobbed when I left and mobbed when I came home. Wendy said Nauris seemed a bit pensive to have just her around, though Dite was fine, but missed her dad. We went out for dinner to a place that advertised Latvian food. It's a short walk from our apartment. Dite was glued to me and even Nauris, while not looking to hold my hand like his sister, was close by for a while.

It's really odd being the focal point of the family. When it was just the four of us, it was certainly Wendy. It's changed entirely. It may be it's because I'm around constantly, and like my own parents, I've got an opinion on everything that goes on. (Hi Dad! Love ya!) It could be that there is some reluctance to focus on Wendy by the older two because of some distrust of mother figures. Though they certainly showed affection to Lilita. It could be too that they had no father figure early on and even Janis they considered more of a grandfather (he's in his early 71 Lilita 63 ) so I guess I'm sort of a novelty. I am also a big kids at heart. So I play, tickle and roughhouse like a kid. I'm not so good at other things, but I do know how to play better than anybody I know. It's probably a combination of all these things. Wendy's noticed it. Bruno (our attorney) simply assumes that I am the head of the household, as does the orphan court. If they only knew how often I defer to Wendy, they might think otherwise. Then again, if they have seen me draw the line in sand, I guess they are probably right. That said, I still wasn't the focus of parental attention, affection and approval. Now I am.

I think Wendy is a bit jealous, though she did said to me that she has enjoyed seeing this experience bring out the best in me. Dutiful, dillegent, patient (crazy I know) sensitive (even crazier) and playful. She said it's nice seeing the good side of me. Certainly there have been times that she and the kids didn't see my best traits and saw too much of the worst (sorry about that) I'm not the perfect father, but I certainly have to be a better one.

Rambling thought train ahead sorry. Sorry, I'm going to talk about my family and past. If this might embarrass or bother you skip several paragraphs.

So I was thinking on the slow car ride back from Nereta. First, it really bothered me that anybody hurt my children. Whether or not they were my children then, bothers me, alot. I won't dwell on it, but I won't ever be OK with it. Then I thought that of course this would bother any parent, or should anyway.  My own father has never been a terribly demonstrative father. It's not his way and is typical for his generation. I certainly received affection from him, but as he said to me once long ago, "A father's job is to provide for his children and make sure they grow up and know what is right. It's not really a father's job to love their children." This is hogwash of course, and my own father doesn't really believe that either. It's just a way for him to say he way for him to say he wasn't a fuzzy teddy bear. No kidding? Who knew? :-) Doing those things is love, or part of it. Certainly my mother was the one that read to us at night and stayed up if we were sick and kissed our boo-boos when we fell down. My father was neither callous, nor uncaring nor distant. I don't feel that I was the least bit starved for affection from my father. Was he more distant than me with my kids? Sure, but if I were much more involved with my kids, I'd start to smother them. (Outside of abuse worst thing as a parent is to be uncaring, second is to be smothering and coddling, all the research shows it)

Why all this insight into my past? It explains why all of this, seems to me a bit ill-fitting? Me? He who was dedicated to wine, women and song? Married and now with five kids? What the hell happened? How did I get here ? (and the days go by...)

I don't know why I convinced Wendy to do this. I really don't. It wasn't to get my parent's  or other's approval. I don't work that way. I am as likely to do things to spite other people. I didn't do it because I have some higher calling. I don't believe in such things in the least. I didn't think our family was incomplete. Frankly, our little family was very easy and comfortable. While I do tend to seek out challenges and push the envelope, I wouldn't embark on this sort of a journey just to get a thrill. What kind of an A-hole would I be? No, I don't know why I wanted to do this.  I guess I just felt that we could do more, I could do more. What am I good at? Well, our kids seemed pretty good. I guess I am good at being a father or atleast being half of the team with Wendy. So let's do more of that.

Part of it is purpose. I used to think my purpose in life was to be successful and wealthy. Perhaps a leader of some kind. Then it was to be a teacher. Now I realize my purpose, to be a father, a good one and do good things. I don't need more than that. If at the end of my life all I've ever really done is be a good father, husband, friend, bother and son, I've done enough. Let other people worry about wealth or fame or leaving their mark on history. I've got five little time capsules I will send off into the future. That seems like enough.

I did think about what my father said to me a few nights ago. He told me he was very proud of Wendy and I for what we are doing. (thanks Dad, sorry if this reveals a bit more about our relationship than you might prefer, it seems to fit and it's important) Course, I didn't do it for that reason. He didn't think I had. (a wise man) Honestly, I can only remember a few times my father has ever told me he was proud of me. Once when I was very successful in school, sports and music. Once when he noted how independent I was after college and launching myself into adulthood (those are my words) Certainly he has expressed approval of me and of what I had done many times, but rarely has he ever come out and expressed it. It was very meaningful to hear that from him. He may not have known it, but I got a bit choked up to hear it. I may not always agree with my father but I certainly respect him. His respect and admiration are hard to earn. It certainly helps to focus my thoughts to hear it. (Thanks again Dad, for everything, every kid, even grown ones need to hear that sort of a thing from their parents occasionally)

END RANDOM SENTIMENTAL THOUGHT TRAIN

So we have been pushing the kids on some foods. I made cajun shrimp etoufee on Tuesday. Dite and Aleks refused to eat it. Dite at least tried it, but she says she doesn't like fish. Nauris enjoyed it, though he was a bit surprised by it's spicy nature. We did find real Tabasco. He seems to relish the idea of trying to keep up with his father on things. He fits right in with Jaenelle and Jack in that. He puts five drops on his dinner, I put five hard shakes.  He did stop at one point, wide eyed, gasp and reach for his milk. He has a bit to go yet. Hur hur hur. I told him I had a hot sauce at home, so hot it hurt me. (My Melinda's Ghost Pepper Sauce) His response was "Ja? Let's go!" Jaenelle of course wanted in on the competition when we get home. I told him it's so hot it hurts your backside coming out (sorry TMI there) Dite giggled and Nauris was quiet for a moment and said. "Let's go!" He may be sorry, my eldest boy has to learn sometime right? (if you aren't sure how hot this is, it's a sauce that I use in drops rather than shakes. It's about 2-4 times hotter than most habanero sauces I've had. It's wicked stuff)

We made tacos Wednesday. Those went over much better. They had never had them before. We made ground chicken tacos. We also took them to a Turkish restaurant for lunch when we were out earlier this week. They were very unsure and just wanted to order french fries. Sure I , said but you have to have something else too. Turkish chicken gyro (more or less) it was and it went over well. Taco sort of looked like the previously tested gyro so they all dove in. They were very interested in watching us build the tacos. We lay out the ingredients on the table and let people build their own with the ingredients they want. It was fun and they seem to eat just about anything but fish. A little bit of push back on vegetables by Aleks but he gives in, especially if we tell him there is no dessert for children who don't eat their vegetables. Say what you like about like about not making food a big deal. Understanding that children eat what is provided is how Wendy and I were both raised and we aren't changing that. Dite and Aleks will learn to eat fish and seafood like it or not, but we aren't going to push it right now. Eating what your parents provide is one of those rules that don't get to be questioned. Sort of like the one about if the parents are paying for things, they get to have a say in things. The "my house my rules" rule.

Warning, rant on parenting incoming. 
No matter how liberal I am, that rule ain't up for discussion. We pay, we say. What you wear (within reason) Your hair, your friends, where you go to school (if we are paying) Actiltvities, (no you can't join a second travel basketball team, one is enough) We get to say, even if you are an adult, if you are in our house or we are paying for something. (then again, a child that is legally an adult that isn't on thier own and doesn't understand their junior position still isn't very much of an adult)

Certainly my kids can come and discuss anything they want. Jaenelle has, upon occasion, asked to stay up late or to be excused from some duty or asked for an alternative consequnce. Often, we do agree. There is something to be said for a well reasoned argument from your child, regardless of their age. If my child has the maturity to come to me and ask for something, it is my responsibility to give it consideration, even if my initial inclination is negative. My children will learn however, as I believe all children should, we can talk about something but in the end, what Wendy and I decide is final, period. It's not a democracy and never will be.

Parents reserve the right to be wrong in their own house. It's not that we can't be wrong, my parents have been wrong plenty in their own house, everybody's has. It's that they have the right to be wrong and I can accept it or leave. I will teach my kids the same thing. Don't like X? Get a job and pack and my rules don't matter do they? I suppose there are a few things that parents can't do, I shouldn't interfere with my children's parenting of their own children or spousal relationship even if they are in my house, but that should be obvious.

Wendy and I slept in separate rooms in my parents' and her parents' house even when we were engaged. Hell, when I was a teenager, I couldn't even have a girl in the house if my parents weren't home, let alone have her in my room. Seems an appropriate position to me. I can't wait until the first time one of the kids asks to have an opposite sex "friend" stay over. (newsflash! parents ain't stupid) Oh the stories they will get! Followed by a "No" a petulant "but I'm X years old" and "Bobby's parent's allow it" culminating in an "Over my dead body." Does this sound familiar to anybody?  Rant off. Sorry about that, I am sure there is somebody that needed to hear that.

We found out Nauris is a big soccer fan. He also had a skateboard in Bauska. They each either had or had access to bicylcles. Aleks does not yet know how to ride. Luckily, we the glide bike that taught Jack how to ride and we still have the smaller girls bike we inherited from Wendy's sister, Rhonda (thanks again) When we were out shopping, I did offer to the kids the opportunity buy a toy with the points they had earned in school (I'm not above bribery, homeschooling is tough)
Aleks picked out a car, Jack did to initially, then decided he wanted a candy bar like his eldest sister and older brother. Dite was reluctant to ask for anything. This grocery store had a small selection of princess Barbie dolls. I asked her if she wanted one. Her eyes went wide at the idea. They had a few to choose from, and she chose Rapunzel from the Tangled movie (not sure if that was Disney or not) She was deliriously happy at the prospect of having doll. She immediately named the doll Jaenelle. I wonder if she likes her older sister? 12E? meh, to make my new daughter happy? I'd pay 1200. Anyway, Jaenelle doesn't play with her dolls anymore except her American Girl (thanks Mom and Aunt Mary Lou)
so Dite is in for quite the surprise when she inherits a good half dozen or more Barbie dolls from Jaenelle and sees the big playmobil  Victorian dollhouse her Houston relatives got for Jaenelle several years ago. Jaenelle has already resolved to give these to Dite, even before we left for Latvia. Jack has also promised to give half of his superheroes to his brothers.

Before anybody goes and buys skateboards, soccer balls, bikes, dolls or other things, please ask us first. We don't want 10 skateboard, 5 extra bikes and 50 dolls. We have a whole bunch of stuff already. They even have a good amount of clothes so no shopping sprees from Grandma's, aunties or other interested parties. :-) Once we get back to the states we can figure out things. Dite's birthday is in June, you will have plenty of opportunity to spoil them rotten. We must not forget, Jaenelle's is the 27th of March, in just ten days. My eldest and firstborn will be eleven.  *sigh* they grow so fast. She's so mature, it's hard to think of her as a kid.

Not much left to say. Doctor tomorrow morning to verify their vaccination records. Court on the 22nd. Home by the 1st or 2nd. Then the long work of incorporating them into American society and culture begins. Returning to work? What the hell do I do again?

We know everybody is eager to see them. Please understand that they really aren't ready to interact with people yet. They are comfortable with us, more or less, but we aren't sure about others. They are very quiet around others. The orphan court, even Latvians in restaurants or in public that speak to them, they are very quiet and reserved. We will let you know when they are ready. No big welcome home receptions, no stopping by "just to meet them." No parties. We are rather firm on this. The time will come, we promise. They need to grasp the language more and become more comfortable with well, everything. Making them the center of attention even to a few strangers might not be the best.


Ok. Ridiculously long post. I will try to do better and not go so long.

Labvakar! (good evening)