One follower on this blog. I get the feeling I'm writing for myself. Then again, that's really the point of this isn't it?

So, what's new. We have decided on a group of kids. I can't post pictures yet because it's not official. Skinny is, group of 3 siblings. 10,9 and 4. Our request was for children age 5-12 and so we have to wait until the 4 year old is 5. That's in 11 days. THEN we get more information. Names, where in Latvia they live etc and we can make travel arrangements.

To be frank, I'm a bit freaked out right now. The amount of work and such is daunting. Nothing to do but roll up our sleeves and dive in. Not doing the work sure as hell isn't going to get it done now is it?
I've never really been one to say I'm afraid of anything. I'm afraid now though. I'm afraid I'll somehow fail these kids. That would be a tragedy bigger than anything they've experienced thus far. I guess it's no different than the fear you feel when becoming a parent the first time or even consecutive times. It is a duty that you cannot afford to fail at. This is magnified of course with three kids, rough backgrounds and all the extra challenges of language, food and all the differences between how our family works and what they have been used to in their foster family. I guess that's courage right. "the ability to do something that frightens one." So, yeah, I'm frightened. We are going to do this though. I honestly liken it to how I think I would feel if I was skydiving. (which I would never do BTW) Nothing to do for it but check everything twice and jump. Go big or go home.

In a meeting this morning  as I updated her on things my boss said "You do realize we all think you are crazy right?" Yeah, I know. I think I'm crazy too. Now who does this surprise? Not the adoption, that I'm crazy. Told my dad yesterday of the specifics. He knew in theory, he'd missed my voicemail telling him we had decided. He thinks I'm crazy too. He probably already thought that.

The kids have a a tough past. Mother in prison for what she did and didn't do. One father dead the other unknown. Whatever. I don't care. Oh, knowing that these kids, any kids really, were hurt or neglected makes me really... stabby. I can't imagine neglecting or hurting children in a meaningful way. It's entirely alien to me. (Let's face it every parent has unintentionally hurt their kids if by no other way stepping on them when they are underfoot. Likewise you neglect to do something or other and it turns out badly, that's not what I'm talking about)

I don't care what their past is. It matters to me and whatever support or help or therapy they need, I'll make certain they receive. Our hope is that much of what ails them will be remedied by the love, care, attention and structure we provide. I don't think that will cut it though. I see therapy bills in our future. But I don't care.

I wish I could really describe it. What's the feeling of happy, excited, scared, sad and angry all at the same time? It's technically ambivalent I guess. Most people use that when they don't have strong feelings one way or the other. That's not really the case here. I have very strong feelings currently, just all at the same time or so quickly changing it is more or less that way.

Enough wandering though my emotional and cognitive minefields.

So we will travel sometime in February in all likelihood. Out of town for a month or so. Then back to the USA will all five kids in tow. Because they won't be our kids yet, but we will be their guardians, they can't enroll in school (due to visa restrictions) A few months later back to Latvia for the three new kids and Wendy and I for the last legal stuff and the embassy work. Then we come home and they will be ours forever and are citizens.

That day cannot come soon enough.